i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
