I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
