The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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