No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
