I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
