Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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