Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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