quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you have to choose: penises or morals?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
