I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
