it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
babies were throwing up all over the place
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Randomize
