i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Randomize
