why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
