i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
