Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
