I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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