there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
