How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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