Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
