Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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