I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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