you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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