...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
