I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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