It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
