I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your cock deserves a montage
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he just fucked me for my cheese.