I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
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will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable