I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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