It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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