At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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