Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
