Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He felt like a one man threesome
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
