Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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