I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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