My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
