I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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