I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
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So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
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Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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