my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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