Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
