speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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