I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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