it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
