I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Dignity is for republicans.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.