My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm passing your future prison.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?