I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst