My first STD was from a foam party
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.