A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."