When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
