Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
