Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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