The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
