do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
