...so i touched it.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I looked at my own cervix.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
