She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
