with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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