At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
