Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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