Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
