Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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