Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
